Mom culture can be tough. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is part of some exclusive inner circle, leaving you on the outside looking in. Whether it’s at the park, the PTA meeting, or just casual school pick-up, it can seem like there’s always a clique you’re not part of. Add to that being a mom of color in predominantly white spaces, and it becomes even more challenging. But here's the thing: it's okay if you haven't found your perfect match in friendships or mom groups yet.
As moms, we’re already balancing enough without the pressure of feeling like we need to fit in somewhere. Society can make it seem like your worth is tied to how many mom friends you have or how seamlessly you blend into the majority. But that’s just not true. You are more than enough, exactly as you are. You deserve friendships that celebrate, not just tolerate, you—especially when the differences that make you unique aren’t always reflected in the spaces around you.
What Does Toxic Mom Culture Look Like?
Sometimes, toxic mom culture is obvious: the judgmental glances, the whispers, the exclusion from conversations. But more often than not, it’s subtle. It’s when:
Playdates feel like competition grounds: Instead of genuine connection, every conversation becomes about whose child is hitting milestones faster or whose house looks Pinterest-perfect. You’re left feeling like you need to prove your worth as a mother based on these external comparisons.
Parenting advice becomes passive-aggressive policing: You share something you’re trying out as a parent, only to be met with unsolicited (and unwelcomed) advice about how you should be doing it differently. And somehow, their approach always seems “better.”
Code-switching becomes the norm: For moms of color, there’s often an unspoken pressure to downplay cultural differences to fit into majority-white mom spaces. Whether it's adjusting the way you talk, being hesitant to bring up certain topics, or feeling like you have to put on a mask to “blend in,” the emotional labor can be overwhelming.
Cultural differences are dismissed or exoticized: Maybe you bring a dish from your culture to a school event, and it’s met with strange stares or comments that make you feel “othered.” Or worse, your traditions and parenting styles are tokenized or treated as “exotic” rather than being celebrated for the rich history they come from.
You’re expected to be grateful for inclusion: When you finally do get invited to mom events, there’s this underlying expectation that you should just be happy to be included, no matter how uncomfortable or unseen you feel.
The Extra Layer for Moms of Color
Being a mom of color in predominantly white spaces adds a deeper layer of complexity to finding supportive friendships. It’s not just about finding people who get motherhood—it’s about finding people who get you, who see your full humanity, and who acknowledge the nuances of raising children in a world that may not always treat them with the same kindness and care.
For many moms of color, the isolation comes not just from not fitting into mom groups but from feeling like you have to constantly navigate microaggressions, stereotypes, and well-meaning but harmful comments. It’s the feeling of being the “only one” in the room and wondering if you can truly be yourself or if you need to shrink parts of your identity to make others comfortable.
It’s also the challenge of finding community with other moms of color, especially if you live in an area where there aren’t many. Sometimes the search for those life-giving friendships feels like looking for a needle in a haystack.
It’s Okay to Opt Out—And Protect Your Peace
If you’re feeling drained by trying to fit in with groups that don’t see or celebrate all of you, give yourself permission to step away. Opting out of spaces that don’t align with your values or make you feel seen is a powerful form of self-care. Your peace is worth protecting, and that includes protecting yourself from relationships that only tolerate you instead of fully embracing who you are.
Remember, real friends will get you without making you feel like you need to explain or justify your experiences. They’ll see your differences as something to celebrate, not overlook.
Finding Friendships That Celebrate You—Not Just Tolerate You
You deserve friendships that lift you up, friendships that feel like home. Here’s what to look for:
Friends who honor your culture: They ask questions because they’re genuinely curious, not because they want to judge or exoticize your traditions. They see the beauty in your differences and respect them.
Friends who stand up for you: Whether it’s at the playground or a school meeting, they’re allies who won’t let microaggressions slide. They speak up, support, and advocate for inclusion—because they know it’s about more than just “diverse friendships.”
Friends who meet you where you are: They understand that being a mom of color comes with unique challenges and perspectives. They create space for you to share without minimizing your experiences.
Friends who uplift your motherhood journey: They celebrate your wins, even if they don’t look like theirs. They recognize that your path might be different, and that’s more than okay.
Friends who respect your boundaries: Whether it’s about how you choose to raise your children, how you protect your peace, or how you express your identity, they respect and support the boundaries you set.
If you’re still searching for these friendships, know that it’s okay to be patient. It can take time to find your people —but when you do, you’ll know it was worth the wait. Surround yourself with those who truly see you, who celebrate all the layers of who you are as a person, a woman, and a mom.
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