Whoa…my son is turning 5 months really soon and I can’t believe how long this feels! Feels like he should be 18 by now. Lol! We survived so far and I am so grateful for every single day, every struggle, every smile, and every red spots in my eyes from the lack of sleep. I was asked by a new mom to describe what my first month with Gabi was like, so here it is!

I remember holding his warm squirmish body in my arms and crying so much for the first few seconds we met. I was so happy. I was so full of joy and filled with hope and expectation of all the awesomeness this little guy represented. I felt new. I felt old. Omg…I was…responsible for another life, for someone’s entire well-being. During the first month postpartum, I was in awe and I was afraid of losing him. Also, I was struggling to nurse and struggling for power.

I WAS I AWE

I can honestly say that I did not sleep for the entire first month. I dozed off a few mins here and there but, I would not sleep. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to look at him, just look at him forever. He’s so pretty. He’s so peaceful. He’s so surrendered. He’s so perfect…!

I WAS AFRAID OF LOSING HIM

Is he breathing?!! Pheww… Oh yes! He’s breathing! Thank you Lord for granting my baby another day. I was terrified that I would fall asleep and then Gabriel would stop breathing. I had a deep fear of sudden infant death syndrome so I kept checking a hundred times a day whenever he would be asleep that he was…indeed…breathing! Oh my heart would rip-apart if I was to lose him. With long-life, God will bless him.

I was not eating. I was a ball of nerves. I wanted to protect Gabi from everything, including the air, the sun, and his dad! Ben was here 24/7 helping with every single aspect of protecting this child but my silly self-kept thinking that I must know best being a mother and all... We had to have a sincere conversation because I was out of control and obviously wrong and obviously hurting his feelings for implying through my behavior and my words that I was the “better” parent. Thanks God we dealt with that early.

Then, I had to be reminded that I was never in control to begin with from the time I got pregnant, through the pregnancy, the delivery, and through now. I could have lost Gabi in any given second. But, it was God’s will to fill his lungs with air and keep his tiny heart beating. Of course, I would love him by protecting him and doing all the right things a parent should do; but, I would not take on that responsibility, guilt of blame if the worst was to happen. I lowered my shoulders and I took a deep breath, but the fear was still there.

Two weeks after he was born, Gabi has a fever. We had to take him to the ER. Because he was born 4 weeks early, they got really concerned and needed to sample fluid around his spine. That procedure required inserting a needle near his lower spine. I could not handle it. I left Ben with Gabi during the procedure and I stayed outside the room. I was bawling. Oh my God I could hear Gabi scream and I could not handle it. What were they doing to my boy? What if the pain was too much that he could not handle it? What if the stress hormones from the pain damage his brain? There was an old lady sitting across from me in the waiting room who consoled me. She told me it was going to be alright. He’s brother was hospitalized next door and she was taking a break too. She asked me whether I was a Christian. I said yes. She pulled out her bible and shared this verse with me “Like a shepherd He will tend His flock, In His arm He will gather the lambs And carry them in His bosom; He will gently lead the nursing ewes” Isaiah 40:11. In the case, I was the nursing ewe J . She prayed with me and oh I felt relieved. She was God sent. Her name was Virginia. I hope her brother turned out fine.

I WAS STRUGGLING TO NURSE

Breastfeeding was extremely painful and Gabi being a preemie everyone’s main concern was to get him fed. Gabi lost 17% of his weight during his first week and omg nurses were judgmental about this while in fact it is quite normal for babies to lose weight in their first couple of weeks. So after a few failures at breastfeeding I decided to do the practical thing and pump. I would pump and supplement with formula. I read all the websites and called lactation consultants a hundred times. I was trying to pump around the clock ever 2 to 3 hours. This is extremely difficult because the baby needs attention and you have all this equipment and although for me it was much, much less painful than the breast, it was still painful. I was really hard on myself and feeling like oh if I don’t feed at the breast I am not bonding with my child or I am not a good mother etc. So, I kept trying the feed at the breast whenever the baby was relaxed but every time it felt like I had tied up my nipples to the tail of a wild horse running at full speed. It was a very teary experience. So, I humbly went by the pumping using formula and lovingly feeding my child. I think Gabi was super happy with getting fed and not drowning in my tears. We drew closer J

I WAS STRUGGLING FOR POWER

It sounds so silly now. Like in the series the Walking Dead, instead of trying to survive the living-dead, the survivors are actually fighting among themselves. My mother came to help us and somehow things got really tensed. Of course she wanted to have the baby 100% of the time.  Of course I was extremely exhausted but during that first month, I wanted Gabi all to myself! So yes…that was dumb. The situation evolved the following months but this post is about the first month so I will stop here.

Mommies and Daddies, what was the first month with your baby like? Please share below!