As a new mom I want to say that if you want to be helpful, show compassion, show support, show empathy. Being a new mom is an extremely daunting task during which we try to heal from childbirth, take care of our baby and our family on little to no sleep. We need all the help we can get yes, but not at the price of our self-esteem. Love us, nurture us, and build us up as you do your best to be there for us.

Here are some of the things we can do without:

1 - “You should feed your baby!”

Yes the baby is crying and it could be for a variety of reasons. You may be a seasoned mom who can tell the signs better but choose your words carefully. Do not imply a new mom does not know what is going on with her baby or when to feed him; instead, ask her what she thinks is going on. Listen to her. Where was the last time he was changed? When was the last time she slept? When was the last time he ate? Gently guide her to finding answers for herself. Just don’t blurt out “Your baby is hungry you should feed him!” because you do not and will never know what this little one needs better that her mommy.

2 - “Have you lost the weight yet?”

Do I need to say anymore? Mommies have a thousand more priorities than to report their weight loss or “back to normal” bodies to you. Delivering a baby means dropping the 7-9 lbs. of baby + placenta + amniotic fluid, but still carting a little extra cushioning and a squishy looks-like-you’re-five-months-pregnant belly. This stage can last anywhere from a few days to a few months. Some lose it fast, some do not, and others do not actually care. If she is not bringing up the topic herself, let it go ok? Even if she does, remind her she is beautiful and that her wonderful body just worked extremely hard to produce a new human. Therefore, she needs to focus on resting and replenishing her energy over time. There will be plenty of time for self-doubt. Do not let it start with you friend.

3 - “When are you going back to work?”

Dude, she gave birth a few weeks ago. Unless you are actually her employer (even managers are coached not to ask! They go through a third party usually to make sure the new mom does not feel pressured or judged for “staying at home”) you need not to worry about that. She thought about it. She knows it is coming. She may be dealing with separation anxiety and does not need you to twist the knife.  And, that hits home for me. Having moved from Canada to US my maternity leave allocation changed from 1 year to 4 months (ouch!). You would not believe how many friends made it a POINT to raise that question and ad follow-up comments like “Oh! You would have had so much time with your baby if you stayed here”/ “Poor baby”/”What are you going to do with the baby”/”what a shame you do not get a year…”. I get it, they all meant well. It was still one of the most annoying and tone deaf comments I had to answer to:

• Yes, I was aware than by living in a different country my circumstances would change.

• I love my child just as you do, so imagine how hard it must be for me to resume work early and if you can’t be supportive let’s switch the topic.

• My baby will be just fine, thanks for your concerns.

4 - “Is he a good baby?”

Hmmm. Let me think about it…What are my choices here?

A) Yes! He is a good baby J. He does not cry. He does not poop all over the place. He sleeps 12 hours at night. He smells like roses.

B) No. He is a bad baby L. He cries. He poops. He wakes up every 2hours (to eat! The audacity!). He smells like spoiled milk.

C) He’s a so so baby. Sometimes he’s good, sometimes he’s bad.

D) Uh? None of the above .

The truth is that we love our babies just the way they are. Stop asking us trick questions which lead nowhere.

5 - “You should not hold him so long. You will spoil him.”

Once and for all, I would like new moms and people around them to know that you CANNOT spoil a baby by holding him too much. I have never heard, seen, or read anything about babies turning psycho because their mommy held them too much. Now, I understand that some people mean well. They see exhausted parents and they want them to rest. They want to encourage parents to sleep train babies. They want the baby to grow into an independent responsible adult. There is plenty of time for that. And trust me, parents know when it is time to hold a baby a little less. Some parents are fine letting go right away, other parents need a little bit more time. Stop asking parents to hold their babies less! I repeat, stop asking parents to hold their babies less to make sure their kids do not turn out “spoilt”. Allow parents to love their children however they see works best for them. Go “oooooh”, “aaaaah”. Keekeeing and kookooing at us covering our babies with kisses as we hold them tight. Yes, you can ask us whether you can hold them, or forever hold your peace.

The list could go on but I would like to hear from you? What are some of the annoying things you have heard as a new mom? That being said…

As a mother, you want to do everything you can to ensure the happiness and well-being of your children. However, sometimes there are things that you may not want to hear, but need to hear. Here are some things that moms may not want to hear, but are important to consider.

1. Your child may not be perfect. It's natural to want to see your child as flawless, but the truth is that every child has their strengths and weaknesses. By acknowledging your child's imperfections, you can help them grow and develop into their best selves.

2. Your parenting style may not be working. It's possible that the way you're parenting your child isn't working as well as you thought it would. Be open to constructive criticism and consider making changes to your approach if necessary.

3. It's okay to ask for help. As a mother, you may feel like you need to do everything yourself. However, it's important to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Whether it's help from a partner, family member, or professional, don't be afraid to ask for support when you need it.

4. You need to take care of yourself too. It's easy to get so wrapped up in taking care of your children that you neglect your own needs. However, it's important to prioritize self-care so that you can be the best possible parent for your child.

5. Your child may need to fail in order to learn. As a parent, it's natural to want to shield your child from failure. However, failure can be a valuable learning experience that helps your child grow and develop resilience.

While these may not be the most pleasant things for a mother to hear, they are important to consider. By being open to feedback and willing to make changes, you can become an even better parent and help your child grow into their best selves. Remember, being a mother is a journey, and there will be bumps along the way. But with love, patience, and perseverance, you can navigate any challenge that comes your way.